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No More Mr Nice Guy

Originally published as an e-book that became a controversial media phenomenon, No More Mr. Nice Guy! landed its author, a certified marriage and family therapist, on The O'Reilly Factor and the Rush Limbaugh radio show. Dr. Robert Glover has dubbed the "Nice Guy Syndrome" trying too hard to please others while neglecting one's own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. It's no wonder that unfulfilled Nice Guys lash out in frustration at their loved ones, claims Dr. Glover. He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential.

Hardcover: 192 pages

Publisher: Running Press; 38928th edition (January 8, 2003)

Language: English

ISBN-10: 0762415339

ISBN-13: 978-0762415335

Product Dimensions: 0.8 x 6.2 x 10 inches

Shipping Weight: 13.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)

Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (641 customer reviews)

Best Sellers Rank: #3,508 in Books (See Top 100 in Books) #25 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Psychology & Counseling > Applied Psychology #33 in Books > Self-Help > Self-Esteem #36 in Books > Self-Help > Relationships > Love & Romance

No More Mr. Nice Guy is a GREAT book However, the title is misleading, the purpose of the book is to boost confidence and help men reclaim power in their lives, it does not make men jerks. The author points out that you are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs, wants, and happiness. By boosting a man's confidence and ensuring the man's needs are met, women are naturally more attractive to these men. The greatest aphrodisiac is self-confidence.The characteristics of "Nice Guys" are men who have difficulty setting boundaries in relationships with women and become doormats. The men often feel as helpless victims and seeing another person as the cause of problems. Many nice guys live life trying to gain approval for others.Many nice guys did not have their needs met as boys. As a coping mechanism to try to get their needs met, they try to be nice. Later in life, Nice Guys apply the skills learned as a boy in dealing with women - by being nice - it does not work. When being nice does not work, the Nice Guys try to be even nicer.Men need to set healthy boundaries in relationships with women. Avoiding conflicts in relationships is problematic - Women do not feel safe with a man they know they can push around. A woman wants to know you will stand up to her. That is how she will feel secure in the relationship. There is a catch - she has to test to see if she can trust you. When you set a boundary, she may strongly test and push against the boundary. She will tell you that you are wrong for having the boundary and do her best to find out if the boundary is for real. Generally, when women feel secure, they feel loved. When a man stands up to a woman, she believes he will likely stand up for her.

This book is, in many ways, highly flawed. I cannot, however, rate it any lower than three stars because the core behaviors Dr. Glover advocates are fundamental pillars of psychological well-being. His core premise is that all human beings have needs. Among these are somatic needs (food, shelter, treatment for injury, etc.) and emotional/psychological needs (love, validation, affection, etc.). For one reason or another, however, many men have come to habitually avoid pursuing or expressing these needs and desires in a direct way. Thus, "Nice Guy syndrome" is characterized by attempts to satisfy those needs by indirect means. Glover describes some of the more pervasive behaviors: a superficial niceness (in which one does something nice with the unconscious assumption that he will get something in return - "hidden contracts" as Glover dubs them), passive aggression, and other means of manipulation. Of course, these tactics are most often ineffective and leave the man frustrated and needy. Oftentimes, these desires are rechanneled (into things like porn or drug addiction) or repressed (only to emerge in an irrational or misdirected show of aggression or an emotional breakdown).Glover encourages the individual to take an assertive role in getting his needs met. He does not mince words, and says outright "you are the only person responsible for meeting your own needs." And the best way to make sure this happens is to take the direct route: express outright and honestly what it is you want, make your own needs a priority, and then pursue them (or ask for help). This is, of course, sound and commonsense psychology.

I think the main premise of this book is sound. The cover is misleading, because it sounds like a guide to male selfishness. But it's not that at all. After reading it in one sitting I realized that a big group of guys, myself included, have lost a sense of who we are as males. The author is NOT telling us to stop being nice or kind; he's saying that we should find out who we really are and live true to that. He says we try to get approval all the time so that we'll get what we want, instead of forming relationships based on who we really are. We actually hide our true selves because we think we won't be accepted. Each man probably has a different reason why he's trying to be someone other than himself, and the author lists a whole bunch of reasons that you can check yourself against. Glover says that you should look at his list with your wife and work at it together. He is correct that wives don't like the "nice" husbands they're having to deal with, because these Nice Guys are really not that nice. He gives excellent sociological reasons why some men have become afraid of and detached from masculinity. The activities he gives for the reader to work through help a guy to see himself as he really is. In the end, he says, guys will be much better husbands to their wives, and more genuinely helpful and "nice," if they do everything with pure motives and complete honesty. If you've been trying to be nice in your marriage and your wife isn't buying it, and you want more sex, read this book!!!Some of the concepts are explained up to three times. Repetition is a good learning tool, but I got a little tired of it. The chapter on masturbation doesn't sit well with me either. It seems unlikely to help in the way he describes.

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